What can I do ?

[BENIDORM]

When the doorbell rang at my home, I was surprised to see my young near neighbour stood in the doorway...I of course welcomed her into my home, and told her that I would fetch my Wife , who was down in the summer kitchen, busy making jam....But she asked me not to bother her, as it was me she really wanted to speak to......
Of course alarm bells sounded in my head as I pondered on this rather secretive request...Anyway we sat at the dining room table and I fetched her a cup of tea, without asking if she would like a cup of my famous 'Rosie Lee'......As she sipped her tea, I studied her face , looking for a clue as to why she would want to speak to me...
..I didn't really know her that well, I had, only a few months before, literally 'bumped' into her at the local Mercadona supermarket,and she had introduced her husband and herself to my Wife and I.They had explained that they had rented a house just near my home, and were spending a couple of months checking out if it was viable to move to Spain....We had been for coffee at their house and they had visited us a couple of times , with their two lovely children...
But now as I watched her face I could see her eyes welling up with tears, and I could see that she was about to breakdown.....I reached my hand out to her, it seemed the only gesture that I could make, I really didn't know her well enough to give her a comforting hug....She sobbed uncontrollably for what seemed ages, all the time both her hands clasped tightly around my outstretched hand...I didn't speak, but my mind was now racing ahead, trying to understand what was wrong....

Then she started to pour out her problems.....She wanted to come and live in Spain to make a fresh start for her family....About a year before she had found out that her Husband and best friend, of many years , were having an affair.....She had been totally devastated , after being betrayed by the two people who she thought so much about....Of course she had confronted her husband , and he did immediately admit the affair, but her friend had at first tried to deny it, and even said that her husband was lying.....After much soul seeking she had decided that she didn't want to leave her husband, she loved him so much and didn't want to hurt her children, and he told her that it was a stupid mistake and he would never , ever again be unfaithful to her....
So now they were travelling every other month to Spain , to see if they could make it work,and they had their UK house up for sale and now had an interested buyer....Although she was still finding her life very difficult she really thought that this move to Spain would strengthen their floundering relationship.....She had decided to stay in Spain with their children for the next two months, while her husband went back to sort out their house sale and he needed to arrange to transfer his work to Spain, which his employers had agreed to do, he worked for a computer firm, preparing company reports..
Everything seemed to be going to plan, and then last night the phone had rung, and she had picked up the extension phone at the same time as her husband, to hear him talking to the former friend with whom he had the affair...The affair was obviously not over, and she heard him say that he was looking forward so much to being with her ex-friend , again...
Now she was completely devastated and just didn't know what to do for the best, she didn't feel that she could stay with her husband any longer, but hadn't told him what she knew about him....
She then went on to tell me that she wanted so much to stay in Spain with her children, but just didn't know what to do..
I had hardly spoken, while she poured out her heart to me, and she was still sobbing, when she told me that I was the only person that she thought that she could turn to for advice.
Her Father had died many years ago, and she just couldn't bring herself to talk to her mother about it, and anyway her Mum thinks the world of her husband...So now in my new role as father figure, she was expecting me to give her hope with the right answers...So perhaps you can imagine my dilemma, just what do I tell her ?
So after much soul searching I told her that she shouldn't do anything yet, as now she had to look after her own interests, and I promised her that I would give her situation a lot of thought and discuss the matter with my Wife.....I suggested that she went home and acted as normally as possible , while we all gave it much thought.......
As I walked her to the door, feeling really crest fallen, she turned and hugged me and apogised for burdening me with her problems.....I assured her that we would help her as much as possible, and she is going to return later in the week, to see what advice we can give her......

To Be continued.....

So now what do I do ?......Please help me.......Should I advise her to go back to Uk, or should I encourage her to dump her unfaithful husband and try to make a go of it in Spain, on her own... ...Your help would be much appreciated.......

[Campo Kenny]

http://www.lauraandsimonaregettingmarri ... /index.htm


This tune always helps

[BENIDORM]

Thanks a lot Kenny...just what I needed ....

[Chrissie]

Oh Beni, what a nice helpful man
I do hope she reaches some sensible decision. I think I'd advise her to dump the OH and start a new life in Spain if she can.
I just hope for your sake that she doesn't make a habit of reading the postings on this forum

[Don]

As this is on the public side of the forum, I wouldnt like to post one suggestion based on my experience many years ago in case it was "seen".

[annie_d]

How very sad. I think you could encourage her to talk to her mum. She may well adore her daughter's husband but will ultimatley be able to offer the most help to her and her children.

[hillybilly]

Advise her to start to get her affairs (no pun intended) in order, preferably involving emptying his bank account...

[BENIDORM]

Thanks for that, so far.....

She did tell me that she has no interest in computers at all, so it is unlikely that she would read this forum, and as for the husband, well it would probably be a good idea if he did read it.....

From what I understand she owns the house in the UK, it was left to her by her Grandmother, and she believes that her husband won't get any of the proceeds from the sale, but I'm not too sure about that....

I doubt that she would be spiteful enough to empty her husbands bank account, she really doesn't seem the type,I would guess that she just wants what is rightfully hers....

I did meet her Mother, who came over for a visit, she didn't seem the type of person to seek advice from, she came across as a busy body....

Anyway, we will see, I'm expecting a phone call from her today or tomorrow.....

[julian]

you have to be a bit careful about getting in the middle of another couple´s problems, by experience I have found that whatever help and advice you offer now can later backfire on you when the couple get over their problems, and the wife will later almost certainly tell her husband that she told you, and about the help you offered, from then on you will be the bad guy in the story. it´s happened to me more than once unfortunatly, so just be a bit careful about getting too involved and pushing her in a certain direction, sometimes a listening ear is the best thing to offer, difficult situation, I know.

[katy]

Julian, very sound advice

[BENIDORM]

Julian,
That's good advice, and I have been wondering about the best way to go, up to now I have just been a good listener...Perhaps I will just offer her alternatives and try to point out the problems....I really do not like interfering with other peoples relationships, but anyway, I will play it by ear......

[Retro P]

Benidorm, good on you for offering a shoulder to cry on, I don't know what else you can do.

[Megan]

A very sad tale, Benidorm. With regard to the woman and her troubles, it is obvious that amongst other things, the husband has proved himself to be a liar. It would be wise to tactfully point out to the woman that the trouble with liars is that they can never be trusted and that if she decides to stay with her husband, even if her husband ends the affair and never again 'strays', she will never again be able to fully trust him.

Is she the type of woman who can put aside the lack of trust - that is what she needs to come to terms with when making her decision with regard to the future of her marriage.

For the very reasons that Julian has pointed out, it would be best to remain neutral and not take sides. So, would therefore be a good idea, to use an analogy i.e. this happened to a friend of mine blah, blah, - if necessary, creating a fictional couple to get the point across.

One thing about your account that intrigues me is 'summer kitchen' - do you have 4 kitchens in your house - one for each season?

[bob]

Megan wrote:

“So, would therefore be a good idea, to use an analogy i.e. this happened to a friend of mine blah, blah, - if necessary, creating a fictional couple to get the point across.”

Ah, but that is precisely what he’s done.

[Chrissie]

Beni:

What can I do

:
Well Beni, just ignore all the snipers on the site who seem to enjoy taking thoroughly useless potshots at your good intentions
I think that having a shoulder to cry on and a sympathetic ear to listen is often all someone needs to help them organise their thoughts and life-changing decisions.

[laclotte]

I certainly, if ever necessary, would never chose an almost unknown neighbour's shoulder to cry on Then again I do not 'wash my dirty linen in public'.....
Remember there are always two sides to every story
I guess more fiction than non-fiction in this case

[spanish hopes]

I guess more fiction than non-fiction in this case

A bit Mills and Boonish you meaan as it isn't quite up to Barbara Cartlands standards.

[katy]

Speaking from experience the old saying "a friend in need is a bloody nuisance" applies in this situation. Many cannot let go and you will get phone calls at all times of the day for years. These will be just to analyse one or two words their ex. has said. Some get back together and probably both of them will not be talking to you. Sometimes as someone said there are two sides to a story.

The only advice i would give as Hillybilly said, sort out the finance. My Solicitor once said that one should never have joint bank accounts if you are both financially independant. He said he could write a book...trust no-one...people change.

[Raquel]

My advice for this woman is to finish her relationship with her husband (if thats what she wants) and stay in England/Britain. Its sounds as though they were moving to run away from their problems and trying to salvage their marraige, well moving to Spain will not do this in fact it could make it 100% worse. As problems follow if he has a wondering eye it will happen in Spain, then what? she's on her own in a foreign country, no friends, no work etc. She can stay in UK and try and rebuild her life and take holidays to Spain.

[Troglodyfae]

Tough one to deal with. I agree with a lot of others that getting involved in other peoples affairs/lives is always going to be dodgy ground. I think your friend and her husband have shot themselves in the the foot moving here to patch up what is a failing relationship. Had it been good then affair might not of happened, likewise had her 'friend' actually been just that then again this situation might not have happened. Moving to another country in this situation is like going to hell in a hand cart, if the relationship did not work in a country which is in your comfort zone, then why the hell would she/they think it would work in another country, where things are going to be tougher

Seems to me that the husband is a low life cheating ****, who got busted, begged for forgiveness, and the minute the dust has settled is back to his cheating ways. I would pack his clothes into a bin bag (a suitcase is for those who deserve them) staple a bus timetable to it or a list of scheduled flights, tell him to send his forwarding address, so any further correspondence from the solicitor can be sent there.

Beni I know how hard your situation is, in that you want to do the best you can to help a young lady who has in fact called on you for help. If she does indeed come back to you, then I would strongly suggest that both your wife and yourself speak to her together and tell her that you cannot tell her what to do, but were you in her situation this would be how you would deal with it, and that is the only advice you can give her. Despite how her mother might have appeared to you I would still suggest she speak to her mother on the premiss that her mother knows her far better than you do and should be the one to advise. Agree with Katy about a friend in need, not that I can always follow through on the letting them get on with it, but also in my experience, you can often end up the one who cops for all the flak, and another valid point is, you have only heard one side, and that is going to be difficult as he is hardly going to approach you to tell you the in's and out's of his life, unless of course you are close which is not the way I read it.

Good Luck I hope you do not become embroiled in this

Trog X