Need some help.....

[stellastaff]

My Ahole stepdad has decide he is having a mid life crisis and has told my mum that he no longer loves her but still wants to be friends!! She is obviously devastated and her whole life is in tatters. He isn't paying the mortgage on their house and mum has no income of her own as he has always worked. She does some holiday rental cleaning every now and then but not enough to support her and their 6 dogs.

She came over for a week to get her head together. I struggled to keep my own head together seeing her in the state she is. She flew back today and I have spoken to her this evening. It turns out that he hasn't been staying at home and neighbours have een looking after the animals. It doesn't look good and everything points to him playing away with someone else.

I realise that no-one on here knows my mum or her situation but I need to point out she has worshipped this man (and still does) for 20 years, given her all to the relationship and put up with his lazy demanding ways. She dotes on him and I am so worried about her. She is my lovely mum who I adore and my stomach is in knots knowing she has to go back to him.

I need to know if anyone could advise/suggest help for me to help her. She is mearly 60 and everything she has is in that house-I cant sit back and let him ruin her life. This has all happened in the last two weeks-and all very out of the blue.

Sorry if I have bored you, but I am desperate as we are back in the uk now. I work full time with a home and children so going back with her was sadly not an option at this moment in time.

Thanks guys for listening, I know I don't post very often, but I also know you will come up trumps if at all possible.

X

[BENIDORM]

Donna,
I'm sorry to hear of your Mums problems, and of course your problems also...

I know that it is difficult to help at such a distance, and it must be quite upsetting for you...
I would say that it is most important that you keep in daily telephone contact with your Mum, I've no doubt that you probably are, but your Mum will have some very bad moments and will feel very lonely, so frequent contact will be important.

You obviously don't really like your step father, but I do think as the relationship is still on a 'friendly' basis ,that this must be a bonus.

However I think that your Mum has to now seek legal advice very quickly, and be very clear about the legalities of ownership etc .,of their house.

I would suggest that she now insists on some ground rules with your step-father, and makes sure that he has to face up to his responsibilities , moral and otherwise.

It is very difficult to try to offer advice , when not knowing the full story, but I'm sure that other forum members will have some good suggestions...

Good Luck to You an your Mum.

[stellastaff]

The sad thing is...I thought of him as if his was my birth father. I just cannot understand how on this planet he has turned into a monster overnight. He loved my mum so much...or so we all thought. I have gone from loving him to hating every bone in his body in a few days. While my mum was here he did not even text or call to see how she was. Everything he says contradicts the last thing he said. It is all very strange indeed.

He wishes to stay friends with my mum but my mum feels she has been betrayed enough. She could not ever be friends with him as she thought that she could trust him and she thought that she knew him. It turns out that none of us really did.

I emailed a mutual friend of me and my mum. He is Spanish and I feel he can possibly help her in some way. I just feel totally helpless.

Thank-you, Benidorm, for your kind words.

[Cassandra]

Hi Donna, so sorry to hear of your mum's problems. It must be awful for you to be so far away from her at this time as well.

It's difficult to suggest anything without knowing her and her circumstances but if she's lived in Spain for a while then hopefully she will have some good friends who will support and help her. Does she speak good Spanish? If so that will also help if the Spanish ladies are anything like those in our village. Different circumstances but an English lady near us lost her husband suddenly last year and the Spanish ladies in the village were wonderfully supportive. She was a member of the local mujeres association which probably helped.

Other than phoning her as often as you can and, as Beni said, encourage here to get good legal advice ASAP it would also be a good idea to contact the bank they have the mortgage with. I have no experience of Spanish banks in this situation but when I had similar worries in the UK the mortgage providers where much more helpful once they were fully aware of the situation, even offering to freeze the mortgage for a while if necessary.

Be strong for her, it will take a while but things will get better eventually.

[stellastaff]

Thanks Cassandra.

I have had a little bit of good news this morning. After mum arrived home yesterday they had (another) long chat and my step-dad has agreed to go to marriage guidence. They have an appt on Tues. He has obviously done a bit of thinking while they were apart although he did admit to have seen someone while she was in the UK-only for drinks though! He has agreed not to see her again while they are attempting to sort things out. I am just worried it will all be for nothing but while mum is a bit more positive I can only be happy for her.

[Cassandra]

It won't be for nothing Donna. I didn't know they had marriage guidance here or would have suggested it as they will work with one partner even if the other refuses to attend (as mine did!) and can offer mediation services if things can't be put right.

[stellastaff]

This morning my mum has phoned in tears saying he has left her and he slept with his work partner (who is fat and ugly and eaten two previous husbands for breakfast I hasten to add!). He packed and left this morning. She now has no income and he sold her car last week so no transport either. I am in bits, I have my family and job here so cannot even up and leave to be with her. I wish I knew the Spanish system like i do here. At least I could help her get legal advice and leagal aid etc to help make him pay to help her.

The house is up for sale but that could take years to sell.

[BENIDORM]

Donna,
I don't really know what to say, apart from reiterating that your Mum should be seeking legal advice, urgently....

Good luck, and I'll say a little prayer for you and your Mum.......

[dido72]

Donna how awful for your mum and you, it must be devastating being so far away from her. I really hope everything works out for the best for her.......and the worst for him!!

[Jool]

Whereabouts in Spain is your Mum? Just asking in case anyone on here knows a good lawyer in that general area........I also think she needs the emotional support of a counsellor as well as a damn good solicitor who will act to protect her interests.......she could start by talking to the bank and let them know the position. They can sometimes give a mortgage holiday for 6 months while matters get sorted....I do hope the house and everything is in joint names? Does your Mum have any friends over here?

Either way there is good help here for british people getting divorced, I know several who have done it but your Mum must take the initiative and see where she stands on everything. THat will also help her to feel more grounded and secure as she must feel in a whirl wind of painful emotions right now.

Also do you have someone to talk to so that you can offer some steadying support by phone and perhaps send a loving card every now and then just reminding her how special she is, its so easy for all of us to overlook these simple things in a crisis and yet they carry a lot of power and something physical can be read and re-read time and time again especially when feeling low and alone! Sorry if I´m stating the too obvious, you sound a very caring daughter so may have already thought of this......

[katy]

There is the Información de los derechos de la mujer (women's rights information service) According to yellow pages the number is 917001910. Don' suppose they would speak English though.

[avellana]

Another body I'm aware of is
http://www.juntadeandalucia.es/institut ... CHOS-.html
The telephone number is 900 200 999 and is manned 24/7. Unfortunately they may not have non-Spanish speakers.

[stellastaff]

Thank-you all for your concern.

I just thought I would post an update as I haven't been on here for a while.

He came back a few weeks ago and mum realised that she would have to agree to him coming back or she may regret it for the rest of her life-not knowing. Everything seemed to be getting back to normal when he decided that he could not make up his mind if he should be there or not. Mum had obviously had enough at this point and kicked him out for good. He took her car (again) and has left her with no income (again), and dogs that need to go to the vets-mum lives 8km off the main road. She now has to rely on friends to get her food or go out with them.

I would like to add, if anyone knows him-don't let him work on your car-his state of mind is such at the moment that I would be very wary of any work he is carrying out at the moment. He used to work for lightning sevices and has his own garage in Alhaurin el grande now. He seems to have lost the plot big time.

If anyone knows of a cheap but half reliable car for sale, please PM me as I need to try and help mum with getting off her mountain!

[katy]

If it is her car why doesn't she call the Police or take a taxi and get it back off him?

[spanish_lad]

If anyone knows of a cheap but half reliable car for sale, please PM me as I need to try and help mum with getting off her mountain!

theres a ford escort for sale that i know of, for €300, just had 4 new tyres on it, itv'd etc. its for sale in the window of christinas news agents in alhaurin el grande.

i know the guy wants to get rid of it, so go in and offer €250. its an old one, around 1985, but hey, its cheap reliable transport.

[Jool]

If the car is registered in your mum´s name she must tell the police it is being driven uninsured as she has not given her authority for him to drive it. If it is legally her car then she has the right to the car so go and get it back.

I´m glad your mum is getting angry now - why is she left with no income? She needs to contact her bank and open her own bank account, independent of him and transfer money from a joint account in to there.......

Please give her my best wishes, and let her know there are complete strangers who care and I am sure a lot of people would help out if they are asked.

[RichardCoeurdeLion]

Very sorry about your mum's situation. Break ups are bad enough at the best of times but being so far away makes it so much worse. She'll find out who her true friends are now. Hope things get better for you all.

[murilyn123]

Glad to hear that your mum has kicked him out, he sounds like he is just out to hurt her and he does not know what he really wants. At least this way your mum knows what she is doing with herself and won't keep getting emotionally confused anymore by him saying he is coming one minute and leaving again the next.
It must be hard on you though because you are in the middle

God bless, hope everything works out for the best
xx

[stellastaff]

Mum is coming back here next month. She has had even more bad news last week though! A good friend has been taken very poorly into hospital-him and his wife have helped and supported mum throughout all her troubles. I am just glad she is coming home to me. It will be a little mad though-I have 4 kids and 3 dogs, she has 2 dogs, to top it all we are in the middle of buying a house! She obviously will have to sell the house but he-who-shall-not-be-named is signing it over to her. We all think it is the least he can do.

My brother left his family for a few days to be with her and comes back tonight.

I do believe the light is drawing closer......

[dido72]

I'm glad things are working out for her at last, it's a shame she has had to leave Spain but it means you get your mum back with you, best wishes to you all