Making Friends in New Places

[BENIDORM]

After pondering for some time on many of the failure stories told by forum members, it would appear to me that one of the main causes is the problem of making friends when arriving here in Spain...
Arriving in a foreign country and facing a new language and a different culture, is quite daunting, and although I've found local Spanish people to be welcoming and friendly, I think it is difficult to be able to fit in completely.
I know, from having spoken to many expats, that they do miss the chance of being able to mix and make friends with other Brits...I accept that many areas are well catered for with clubs etc., and have Brit communities.
But there are many areas inland where there are only small 'pockets' of expats, and I'm sure that many miss the chance to chat and get the support from other Brits.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't try hard to integrate with the local Spanish community, learning the language etc., but even after doing that, I still know that it can be a lonely existence for some.

So what is the answer

I did wonder if it would be viable to form a little club, and try and organise some events, basic things at first , like coffee mornings or craft classes etc...
And just how far would anyone be prepared to travel to attend any of these informal meetings, if I could organise anything.....

Any suggestions would be gratefully received...Please no sarcastic comments ..

[katy]

have more friends than I had in the UK. Just happened. Problem is they are from different groups and it can get hectic (and expensive) some weeks, especially when people are out who are not here all the time. The ones who live in the UK seem to think we are waiting for that phone call to say "Hi, we are back"!

It would be nice to have a reading group but it could get a chore if you hadn't finished the book, bit like having home-work

[scarlet]

I live inland, and find most british expats do not support most clubs etc, we have some bars here that arrange all kinds of clubs, dos etc and nobody bothers to turn up, I find most english dont support british businesses here either, If you go in most english bars they usually contain unemployed so called builders or estste agents sitting there with miserable faces, no hellos or smiles just dirty looks etc. I know of a large bar here with lots of room , big terrace not in the town, they have tried load of events, as have previous owners, but it seems people prefer to stay on their own terrace with a carton of wine from Lidls. come on you lot support your own and dont be so boring.

[ht006d5256]

maybe a different type of expats move further inland or maybe we are just unlucky with the brits we have encountered for all we hear from them is cant get Heinz baked beans or HP sauce why should they have to pay more car insurance (for a right hand drive) so they don't bother the list is endless , makes us wonder why they came here so yes scarlet we stay on our patio with our Spanish friends and neighbors and go only to the Spanish bars and get thrashed on a regular basis at domino's but who cares (got my own back bought a pool table and challenge them it the first one they have ever seen) we all have good time my only moan is we wish we had done this years ago, Spain is different in every respect and if people try to bring their little England with them they are doomed to failure this more so further inland

[BENIDORM]

Howard ,
That's rather a dismal view of Brits inland, and not what I have found during my time in Spain.
As I said in my original posting, I believe that expats should do their upmost to integrate, but many want to continue doing something more stimulating than playing domino's and drinking in bars.

My idea is to try to help people settle into their new lives, and to be able to chat about their problems with someone who comes from a similar background.
As much as I embrace the Spanish culture, I have no wish to become a Spaniard, and believe me, even the friendliest Spaniards will always look on you as a foreigner..
I am totally against Expat ghettos, but I know from experience that it is wise to keep your options open and keep some Britishness..

I can't help smiling when I read expats banging on about how they've integrated and consider themselves to be almost Spanish...then they join in regularly on an expat forum..

Anyway everyone is entitled to their opinion, and I will continue to try to help anyone in need of some support.

I would welcome some constructive criticism, on the subject of small clubs and groups.

[keddyboy]

I belong to the British Legion at Alhaurin el Grande. The biggest problem we have is image. The Legion was formed after the First World War and was set up as a charity to assist and aid both information and finance the soldiers and their families if and when they fell on hard times.
Unfortunatley, even the World War 2 Veterans are in decline and most in their late 70s and eighties.
People tend to forget that we also support the Afghan and Iraqi veterans and send vast amounts of money towards their upkeep and well being.
My particular branch was startednthree years ago and has grown in numbers. Yes we have to play bingo and have a raffle, how ele do we raise the funds needed for charity.
We have picnics in El Chorro, we go to Gibraltar at least once a month [so you Marks and Sparks and Morrisons Supporters Club can have an airing!!!] We visit bodegas, we have guest speakers come in from solicitors to pool cleaners [all good stuff].
Most importantly we socialise and help each other out. We have fortnightly lunch clubs, gardening clubs etc.
It is important to quite a few members to have this social contact and we all enjoy ourselves.
If you live in or near Alhaurin get in touch, we are in all the local press.
I agree with Benidorm, the lack of social activities is a shame as friendship etc can grow from such activities and helps those of us who need it most.
To the person in Cartama, Scarlet I think, I must admit that only living 5 ks away I have never stopped in Cartama apart from petrol stop. The clubs etc you mention never seem to be highlighted or mentioned but the Platero Venta is famous all around. I do not fully agree that just because somebody opens a british business we should all rush and support him and her as all things are availabe in the Spanish stores and at a lesser price so in a way economics dictate.
Again if someone like Benidorm is wiling to instigate a social event or meeting on his own behalf then Sir I applaud you and depending on where you reside I would actively support you.

[Free at Last]

Personally I am not a "joiner" sort of person when it comes to clubs and societies so I don't think I would join in, although many people might enjoy the kind of events you mention if you were kind enough to invest your time in organising them.

There is only one British run bar in the town where I live and we tend to go there rarely, usually if there is a quiz night on (being the sad people we are we used to play in a team in a local quiz league back in the UK and like to keep our hand in). There isn't a very large expat population in Velez but some of them tend to congregate in this bar every Friday night and moan to each other about just the kind of things Howard describes, when they are not gossiping that is.

To me there is just something a bit uncomfortable about expats meeting together en masse because all they have in common is their nationality. We have made new friends since we came here, both English and other nationalities including Spanish (and yes we have been invited to our Spanish friends' houses for meals and drinks) but prefer to meet them in small numbers either going out to a restaurant or at each others' houses.

It is quite hard work making friends with people who speak no English when my Spanish isn't good by any means, and after 3 hours and a few drinks I tend to go home with a headache, but I feel it's worth the effort. It's definitely not as relaxed as meeting other people with whom you share a common culture but on the other hand I find it interesting to discover the differences.

[katy]

Most ex-pats, not just Brit ones, tend to socialise together. Should see the spanish in the UK. Not just the language it is the common cultural bond. Why do some Brits assume the spanish want to integrate with them It is not everybody's idea of a good night out mixing with people who haven't yet become fluent in their language. Pretty much the same in the UK with your new Polish neighbours or whatever.

Most Brits I know weren't interested in Beans and HP sauce in the UK let alone here! And, Most Spanish I know don't drink in bars, maybe one on the way home and a few old codgers thats all.

Of course they are in trouble if they try to create "a little bit of England" but its ok to dip in and out of both cultures. Where would we be without associations such as Keddyboy's, apart from their charity work think of all that lovely English food they do at fund-raising events, not to be missed. Hope I haven't offended all you Anglalucians out there

[scarlet]

KEDDYBOY, I wasnt talking only about supermarkets, but alhaurin has 3 so someone must be buying it, You should visit cartama as it is changing a lot, we willhave the new hospital , which alhaurin was very upset not to get, our land prices are now higher than alhaurins, as we are seen as the commuter belt to malaga, and a major sports centre is being built as we speak, unfortunatly Alhaurin had a bad problem over the last few years, with so many english bars, tony king, pregnant english teenagers, fighting, burnt out english lorries, the spanish are very fussy about renting to british now, when I lived there it wasnt a problem, but it has changed. alhaurin was nice 7 years ago , but not so great now. I would love to have a nice little bar, with no sky, pool or bad attitude, maybe a little wine bar with nice healthy foods, no toasties alowed. where everyone can have a chat, not clicky, just comfortable. los naranjos should be a great place for clubs etc, its very large, but no, it dosent work. and it does advertise in most mags what events they are doing.

[BENIDORM]

Keddyboy,
Thank you for your input, which is just the sort of information I hoped to hear.
I do think that the British Legion do a great job, and should be supported as much as possible, it is also a valuable source of help to all members, even if they have not been members of the armed forces.

Katy,
What you say , is so correct...

Free at last,
I fully understand where you are coming from , but it is not my intention to form little 'gangs' of Brits, far from it, I only want to help people to settle in and appreciate Spanish living, and what is wrong with enjoying a chat with your fellow countrymen...and ladies of course..

There are so many little problems that crop up when you live in a foreign country, and if you can ask advice from other Brits, it can only help you to settle in.

I already meet up at least once a week with a few of the expats in my village , we do discuss any problems and try to help each other, and will support each other , as much as possible, but we are all well integrated and have many Spanish friends.

Joining a club or group doesn't mean that you have to abandon your Spanish lifestyle, it can only enhance your chance of being happy in your new home, and you can come and go as you please, but at least you will have some contacts, if you ever need them.

I notice that most of the people who criticise Brit clubs etc, are usually fairly new to Spain, so when your honeymoon is over, please come and join us, I'm sure that you will be made most welcome.

[celeste]

Hi

I like the idea, as I'm moving over to Ronda soon to study/work and would like to meet people in the area or close by and would be keen to join a group/meet people etc of an expat nature and establish some contacts initially

[Free at Last]

Sorry Benidorm, I didn't mean in any way to suggest that there was anything wrong with your suggestion of organising get togethers, but you asked whether people would want to participate and I was just trying in my clumsy way to explain why I wouldn't.

I never have been someone who likes joining clubs, societies or whatever, whether back in the UK, in Spain or anywhere else for that matter. I don't know about you, but in any group of say 12 people there tend to be one or two I might really like and want to get to know better, the majority I could take or leave and there will be another one or two who are a complete pain in the proverbial. I'm sure they would say the same about me.

Trouble is, once you have met someone in a group setting and might continue to run into them around town, it can be quite difficult to extricate yourself from the pain in the **** types. I prefer to let friendships develop gradually and naturally.

I really can't see myself changing my antisocial ways no matter how long I live in Spain, and I'm sure you won't miss me anyway!

[barbutler]

Hi Scarlett
Please do not think of applying for a position in the Alhaurin Tourist board ,I am in the process of moving there with my 4 daughters and after reading your reply to Keddyboy i feel i need to lie down in a dark room and worry about my new life in dodge city

[JAKE M]

I really can't see myself changing my antisocial ways no matter how long I live in Spain, and I'm sure you won't miss me anyway!

[BENIDORM]

Free at Last,
Thank you for your constructive criticism, and I really do know what you are saying..
In the past I've also not been keen on belonging to 'clubs or groups', but I still think it can be most helpful to be at least in touch with other expats in your area.
Perhaps some of these awful demolitions could have been avoided if more information had been available to newcomers, and remember also that if small groups could be in touch with other groups, they would perhaps have 'more voice'.

Anyway if I ever manage to organise any groups, you will still be most welcome to attend ...Even if you are a Mr or Mrs. ' Victor Meldrew' character..

[Heston]

Benidorm I kinda agree with Howard ( in fact Howard I dont live too far away from you!) and some of the expats I have encountered are exactly how Howard says sadly. I use a kind of rule of thumb here when making new friends...would I be friends with these people in England or is it only because they speak the same language as me? Sadly the only people that have tried to rip us off or talked about us behind our backs have been English..so I am very cautious of who we make friends with now.. I know that sounds sad but thats just our experience..sadly I see many expats making friends with other ex pats just because of the language thing then they slag each other off behind their backs or try and make a little Britain here ( back to the beans thing!) each to their own and I do have some lovely ex pats friends but I am much more choosey now dont know if thats because of bad experiences or age!

[ht006d5256]

While I would admit I haven't encountered many (Brits) here in Castillo and I haven't spent all my time in bars playing domino's , with aid of Tom Tom have explored surrounding towns and villages and one that we found Fuenta Alamo consisted of nearly all expats who refused to speak Spanish and is nicknamed "Little Britain" ???????????? What happened to the saying "When in Rome" and all that. Maybe I have got rose colored classes maybe the honeymoon period is not over but just try to take this heaven away from me and Hell will sound like heaven

[katy]

Heston, I know what you mean, friends is a catch all word sometimes. There are people I know who we may meet for a meal about once a month, enjoy it but would not want to see them very regularly. I have a "friend" who has really latched onto to me since her husband died. Problem is I didn't really like her before, just that her husband was a friend of my OH. I am home alone this week and the first day OH left she turned up uninvited. I have been around when she has spoke to other people and described me as her best friend and it makes me cringe and feel guilty at the same time.

If I were to count my real friends, on the same wavelength, humour etc. I could count them on one hand. My spanish friends only go out socially a few times a year and the neighbours are the same. At weekends they visit the most dominant in-laws for lunch or Brothers and Sisters. My "best" spanish friend has a shop in marbella and doesn't arrive home until 9.30 ish. Just in time to put the kids to bed!

[scarlet]

BARBUTLER...
I am sorry to have scared you, most of these events happened a few years ago, there used to be 12 english bars there but the town hall did not alow any more english bars, and gradually many of them disappeared,
a lot of the dodgy people have gone, just a couple of them left I think, I actually like alhaurin, as I feel at home there. In the summer the atmosphere there buzzes like nowhere else, I would move there, some of the people on this forum have an up your *beep* arrogance, that is why I reply in such a way. enjoy your move,

[barbutler]

THANKS FOR THAT SCARLETT,i have just taken the rope off!!