URGENT - can anyone help please?

[HKM]

OH Believe me they are feeling very guilty...

But they know where he is, how he is, they went to the UK as soon as they possibly could... They phone the hospital morning, noon and night... They phone the other family every morning and night.

We are lucky we have other family by my Grandfather..

I will stop now before I say something I regret...

[oliveview01]

My brother is not in good health, he has no wife/children and his friends ´expected ´me to be his full time carer. No way, I cared for my father and my mother (both with terminal illnesses) I was not going to take on my brother, who comes with far too much bad baggage to write about here He gets plenty of cash to pay for a carer and he makes the most of having folk do all his meals/shopping/cleaning etc . The credit crunch hasn´t bothered him !! He eats like a king Only the very best cuts of meat, expensive fish (he is quite partial to Dover Sole)
At the moment we are having problems with the MIL, she is 82 and refuses all help offered- she has bad short term memory problems and is also very frail. We have been told we can´t ´make´ her accept a home help or any other help offered. She won´t go to sheltered housing, she would only be happy if her son moved back to live with her. We couldn´t bring her here to live with us, the heat would kill her in the summer, anyway, she refuses to visit for a holiday, let alone live with us! We don´t know what will happen, will hubby have to move back to live with his Mum? He has no brothers or sisters, we just don´t know what to do. She could continue to live like her father to well into her 80´s or more. I do not envy anyone in the situation with elderly parents needing care.

[Jane and Terry]

I have spent a long time reading through this thread. The thing I find very difficult to understand is that if a similar situation occured last year why did it not occur to the family of this gentleman to put some sort of contingency plan into place to cover the possibility of him being ill again. Surely some contacts were made last year if this really did happen.

Sorry to sound hard, but like RetroP, I find it hard to accept that if someones elderly father is really so ill that they post to total strangers on a forum rather than trying to find immediate help, making references to" waiting to hear from him ",leaving him to ring 112 himself, and making so many excuses as to why Doctors can't be spoken to etc. It just does not ring true to me.

[katy]

Yes, it is a bit deja vu when you read last years posts and the vilification of someone who expressed an opinion. I wondered on Thursday why this person left his dad to call 112 when it is possible to use it in the UK. As Jool pointed out flights were available for around 40 pounds. At one stage I felt like saying to get off their ass and switch off the computer but I remained polite (Admin edit)

[Scot]

Katy = not looking for no sympathy vote. I'm lucky that I'm strong and positive and able in the short term to run my household on my own. (Admin edit)

[HKM]

For what it's worth..

Katy
I do not seek any sympathy vote either if your post was pointed towards me..

Jane and Terry

Everything you wrote..... totally true in my opinion....

[Paula]

If my parent was taken in to hospital whilst I was in another country would I jump immediately on a plane? Yes, no question, and have done, though it was the reverse scenario of me being in Spain and my Dad in hospital with the rest of immediate family around him. My personal circumstances allowed me to do that, I do realise that there may be problems for other people that need to be considered or sorted out first. The fact that I was in Spain and Dad was in UK with family around made it easy for me to keep abreast of details and what was going on.
However.... I think benefit of the doubt can be a useful tool to use in these situations. No matter what my personal thoughts on what ought to be done, I can't make a judgement when I don't know the full facts. Personally I hope she gets there ok and that her Dad is alright. Thats the most important thing, not what any of us think is right or wrong

[katy]

HKM No, it wasn't aimed at you at all. I sympathise with what you posted and note that "your parents flew out asap". Maybe if you read back a bit all will be clear

[katy]

As Jool pointed out there is little nursing care in Spain. The fact that someone has been taken to hospital here does not solve the problem long term.

A friend was taken into hospital here with breathing difficulties (72 years old) all they did was to give him oxygen and when tests showed he had sufficient supply was sent home in the middle of a rainstorm at 10.30 pm. His wife did not drive and when I collected him he could barely stand. There were many steps to his home. He died a few days later.

Another person was sent home to die after his brain tumour did not respond to treatment. He lived alone. Had it not been for CUDECA I don't know how we would have coped as the authorities didn't want to know. Just something for everyone to consider as we grow old in Spain with family all in the UK.!

[HKM]

ok, they couldn't have got there any quicker Xmas eve he collapsed boxing day they were there...

And if it was my mum or dad (highly unlikely as they live by us) I would be there as soon as I possibly could..

It's actually quite a sad story if this man is so alone..

[Paula]

It's actually quite a sad story if this man is so alone..

Yes it is, but thats the predicament she is in as far as I have managed to glean. He wants to be there, she can't be there, and no matter how much he may feel independent, he quite obviously isn't!
He may not mean too, but he is putting her under stress choosing that lifestyle for himself.

[Jool]

How is your Dad doing? Hope its ok......and you as well

I agree with Paula, its easy to judge from the outside but Emgin´s Dad knew what MAY happen (and as he aged was increasingly likely to) and so he has to carry some responsibility too, its unfair to dump it all on her..........and as an only child it must be doubly hard as there is no one equal to talk to......

No matter what our opinions or what we THINK we may do in a similar situation, none of us really know the full circumstances and at times of stress anyone can be in a spin especially if you feel on your own......it does not cost much to show some compassion......even if not agreeing with everything Emgin has done surely?

[pigs-might-fly]

Here, in a nutshell, is the reason why expats need to go "home" in their later years. (Unless their family is here, too - and can look after them.)
We would be going now if we could sell our casa!

[pigs-might-fly]

A public forum is not, in my opinion, really the place for truly intimate details of one's life. That's why I heartily disapprove of social networking sites such as Facebook.
Requesting general or specific advice is fine and what this type of forum excels in, but the nitty-gritty of personal things should be kept private.
This transatlantic fashion for exposing one's emotions to the world grates on me!

[Devils Advocate]

I don't always agree with Pigs' views but this latest post (re. too much info.) has nailed it in one for me.

DA

[frank]

A public forum is not, in my opinion, really the place for truly intimate details of one's life. That's why I heartily disapprove of social networking sites such as Facebook.

Agree, plus I don't think people realise how easy it is for this information to be misused.Watched a programme recently where a guy, just using the info someone posted on facebook (address etc), "stole" their identity, set up a bank account, and successfully withdrew funds. Obviously, it was returned, but it was unbelievably easy.

http://tinyurl.com/auxvsl

[Paula]

Yes I agree. It shocks me how some do "talk" on a forum. We all know a little (or do we?) about each other, but I am surprised when some seem to talk about intimate details of their lives as though they are sitting having coffee with a close friend.

[katy]

I have never been on facebook, not my sort of thing. Someone on here did recognise me from something I wrote but that didn't matter. From what I have read about Facebook it all sounds a bit childish.

I think people sometimes put on personal stuff as they get instant popularity if it's bad news(on this forum anyway) You are an instant star if you are broke, OH has run off or you have a disability.

Back to living indepentantly when growing old. I have mixed feelings. We have always been a scattered (but close) family. I would hate to think that my family were putting pressure on me to return just because of a couple of health problems. Not just living in Spain, these days it could be one living in Scotland and the family in the South West, would still be difficult if anything happened. My Grandfather used to come to Marbella alone for long periods of time when he was in his nineties. We often used to call him a silly old fool (and worse). But wherever they live they become a responsibility at that age. It is a matter of getting your priorities right and if you love them and are close to them there is no other priority when things get serious.

[janda_grant2]

I did the looking after eldery parents who insisted on living 300 miles away from me back in the 90s. (And they did have a choice, returning from Australia they decided to buy near my brother and then promplty fell out with him!)I've lost cpunt of the number of times I did the mercy dash only to get there and find my father sitting up in bed eating his tea, having been at deaths door 6 hours earlier! If you work, have a family, pets or whatever, it's not a case of drop everything and go, especially if you are a single parent or have other care responsibilities. For my part, I've decided that if I'm left on my own (which could happen as my husband is 11 years older than me) I'm back to the UK and takng up residence in a retirement home (assuming I can find one that will put up with me!)

[Scot]

We live and learn - I was just thinking myself that I have been a bit too honest and open. Many of the folk who frequent the forum had started chatting about their illnesses - we were all touched by Big Cols plight and the menopause thread was a very popular one indeed! It encouraged me to openly discuss my health but thought my posts were of the positive kind. A problem shared.......... I'll be keeping my problems all to myself from now on