The Pain of Spain

Last night it was all over the TV news, and today it's hogging the headlines in the newspapers. Long faces, shaking heads, stunned disbelief. No, not the fact that the Spanish government has (allegedly) asked for a 250bn euro bail-out, and that our poor, deranged president described his country as "solvent, solid and strong" (they'd better cut down on his medication, or he's going to think he's president of Brazil next). No — I'm talking about the shock (for there is no other word) defeat of Spain — 1-0 by Switzerland, in case you hadn't heard — in its first World Cup match. Talk about getting off to a bad start.

Here are a few statistics for you, in case you weren't aware of what a Very Big Deal this is for (ecstatic) Swiss, (horrified) Spanish and (intrigued) other fans alike:

• No team has ever won the World Cup after losing its first game.
• This is the first time Switzerland have ever beaten Spain.
• It is only Spain's second defeat in three years and 49 matches.
• They arrived at the World Cup with a 100% qualification record (30 out of 30 points), the first team ever to achieve this.
• Despite all this, Spain have never managed to get past the quarter-finals in 60 years.

Displaying a case of extremely sour grapes, Spain's coach complained that Switzerland didn't deserve yesterday's surprise win, stating that "It's an excessive prize considering the football they displayed."

Although Spain had possession for considerably more of the match than their opponents, it was Switzerland who dictated the pace by forming a human barrier around the goal. Spain tip-toed around trying to sneak past their superb defences, like a naughty child attempting to get into a sweet shop guarded by an ogre — only to be kicked out unceremoniously again and again.

As the Swiss coach admitted, "If you want to play an attacking game against Spain, you would lose by a big margin." So while it wasn't the most exciting of games — pass, cross, save, clear, pass — it was very effective on the part of the Swiss. Spain racked up a whopping 641 passes, but not that it did them much good.

TV commentators described the Spanish team as "patient" and "loyal to their style." "Helpless" and "hemmed in", more like. Even Torres, along with David Silva and Villa (who both look like something off Operacion Triunfo with their cute faces and perfectly coiffed, shiny black hair), failed to set the stadium alight.

So great was the disbelief among some of my friends in England at the result that a bizarre rumour/joke went round as follows: the Swiss used the gold left over from the Second World War to pay off the Spanish national debt in return for them throwing the game.

Football? Bribery? Spain? Economically up s*** creek? Hmmmm.